ENLIVENING YOUR SEDER
by Karen G. R. Roekard
A belief has arisen within Judaism that those who discuss Torah while they eat are 'eating at the Table of God.' Twice a year, through the reading of the Passover haggadah and the observance of seder rituals, at least 90% of all people born, raised as, or affiliated with Jews observe this tradition.
The seder can be seen as the equivalent of a multi-media presentation of 2000 years ago whose form and format were successful for hundreds of years. the truth in our time though is different. For many people the traditional seder- traditional in process as well as content - no longer works.
For some, they are the occasions when the worst in family dynamics manifests; struggles over who should lead and the form the gathering should take; boredom and a desire to get on with the meal; members-by-marriage coming from homes with different traditions - feeling as if they needs are being ignored; a few people slaving to make a seder for a bunch who don't always show their appreciation; participants in the middle of a difficult time with each other expected to sit next to each other, etc.
Basic emotions are being touched. The bottom line here is that when seder participants are bored, angry, disruptive, disagreeing with what is happening, confused, withdrawn or physically uncomfortable, there cannot be a joyous experience. They get stuck in the position of 'enslavement' without coming through to the 'exodus;' they end up with a dead seder.
What to do? The first decision is about leadership: who will lead each seder this year? Irrespective of past family tradition, if you want to bring new life to your seders, have a different person, preferably someone who doesn't usually lead, lead each one. To avoid a major family squabble, you may choose to have the traditional leader on one night and someone else on the other. But DECIDE ON THE LEADERS and honor their leadership. It is then up to the designated leaders to give serious time, energy, and thought to seder preparations.
BE AN ABLE LEADER. If you have been chosen for the task, acknowledge your position and the realize some of the key factors in able leadership: (a) right attitude - integrate the key qualities of flexibility and chesed (doing things from the heart) into every aspect of your leadership; (b) pre-seder planning -- define the direction and content of your activities; and (c) utilize the strengths of the other people who will be attending the seder.
The life of the seder begins about a month before Passover when the four key pre-seder questions must be answered: Who will be attending? What parts of the haggadah, which rituals, hold special importance to them? Who will take responsibility for which aspects of the preparations? What haggadah will we use?
As son as the decision about attendance is made, the seder leaders must speak with each attendee to find out the parts of the seder or the haggadah to which they have special attachment. Anyone who voices one, e.g. "I want to say the Kiddush" "I want to read the story," can be honored by being given that part at one of the seders. And they should be allowed to do the part that they have spoken for in any way that they want -- traditional or non-traditional.
Each participant should be assigned responsibility for bringing at least one of the required ritual foods or objects: e.g. "get the matzoth, make the charoset, buy the wine, etc." No individual should become the family slave even if seder is about slavery and freedom. The more involved people are in preparing for any event, the more invested they are in its outcome. So it is important to BRING EVERYONE INTO THE PROCESS EARLY!
CHOOSE A HAGGADAH or A BATCH OF DIFFERENT HAGGADAHS or COMPILE YOUR OWN. Basically there are three genres of haggadah: (1) the traditional haggadot - they offer the historical perspective in complete or abridged, adult or child versions; (2) the political haggadot - these address the current 'enslavement' of some category of peoples often by another group e.g. civil rights, feminist, gay, vegetarian, etc. and (3) the personal liberation haggadot - these shift the primary focus away from external enslavement issues and inward to the ways in which we enslave ourselves.
You can choose a specific haggadah or several or compile one. The level of interest that the writing and contents are able to maintain will create the unique energy of the seder. So this choice is a critical one.
At the seder the main job of the leader is to ALLOW AND ENCOURAGE EVERYONE ELSE'S 'LIGHT' TO SHINE - give everyone a chance to be a 'star.' Each participant has something they can share; it is your job to be aware of their gifts or to allow them to emerge spontaneously. Strong life energy comes to a gathering that sets a stage where people are encouraged to be spontaneous and to 'shine.'
PAY ATTENTION TO PEOPLE'S COMFORT: Open the seer with information on the way in which the seder will work - let everyone know what to expect, including the unexpected. Give an estimate of the time of the seder. Make sure people are comfortable in their seats, aware of the location of the toilets and given permission to get up and move around when they need to.
LET GO OF THE DAYS 'STUFF.' After you have given your introductory talk, have a 'weather report.' Invite each participant, in turn, to share with everyone else no more than 2-minutes about they flow of their day, or whatever is on their mind at the moment. The assumption underlying the concept of 'weather reporting' is that when someone has something other than the present activity on their mind, they are unable to be fully present and a deadening occurs. When they get to vocalize whatever is on their mind, their 'weather,' something often shifts inside and they are able to let it go for the time.
EXPLAIN any Hebrew terms that will be used frequently; be open and prepared to explain as best you can the 'what' and 'why' of the different rituals. ENCOURAGE QUESTIONS AND SHARING and it is OK not to know all the answers. Take the lead in questioning and especially in sharing. The integrity of the seder will be in large measure a reflection of the depth and honesty of your sharing, the truth behind your questions. Most people do 'follow the leader.' If you ask questions because you want to encourage communication rather than because of a desire to know the answers, a certain 'baloney' quality, a deadening, occurs. When you don't know an answer, invite imagined answers - in essence, create modern 'midrash,' the pleasurable Jewish activity of filling in the gaps with created answers or stories.
For a situation to be lively you need more than just vocal expression. Whenever you can, introduce and UTILIZE OTHER MODES OF EXPRESSION including: instrumental playing, movement, drawing, touch and meditation.
TAKE YOUR TIME. To avoid the diversion of people getting hungry and restless, utilize potatoes or even a full salad for 'Karpas' (greens) and encourage participants to eat what they need, when they need, to take the edge off their hunger. Check in with the group on a regular basis.
The Passover seder is supposed to be fun; it is the unexpected that gets people's attention and is very enlivening. UTILIZE WHATEVER ENERGY IS PRESENT: if someone is squirming, invite them at the soonest occasion to do something that involves movement, e.g. 'Avadim Hayeenu...we were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt' -- instead of merely reciting the words, invite the person to show the group their best rendition of the way a Hebrew slave in Egypt would walk Or suggest that they might want to move in their seat in a way that would show how they feel enslaved in some facet of their life right now.
UTILIZE ANY PARTICIPANT'S SUDDEN CONTENT NEEDS. It is extremely enlivening when someone's memory is jarred and they feel as if their story must be told. When gatherings are truly alive, the full range of emotions is likely to emerge. You have to ALLOW FOR SADNESS AND THE EXPRESSION OF THAT SADNESS. If someone gets teary, a hug and comforting are enlivening to the process; telling someone to stop crying because it is the seder table is telling them that they are having the wrong feeling and that is not only deadening, it is murderous.
And finally, for a seder to stay alive, it must have ENERGY that comes FROM THE HEART, from the place of chesed. Open your own heart, and invite everyone n attendance, to be present and conscious of whatever sparks of love they feel for each other. After all, you never know if everyone at the table will be alive and present at the next years seder. Chag Sameach!!
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